By far the worst day of the 1990s so far
What can I say. 1990 has been so awesome so far, but today is the worst day of the 1990s so far. Oh, I've had some bad days before, back in the eighties, but I kinda figured all that stuff would end when the clock hit 1990. There was the time when it was almost nigtfall and I couldn't find my sunglasses - turned out The Hoff was hiding from me - that slipperly prankster. Then there was the time when I stayed up so late that I lost the keys to my Fiero. Man, I looked everywhere - turned out they were in my pocket all along. That's what staying up all night long does to you. Be warned, all night long ain't for the faint of heart. But today tops all others. By far the worst day of the 1990s so far. Today I went for a drive in my Fiero and moseyed on down to UNICAL 76, just to laugh at all the suckers filling up their tanks with that vinegar. Only fools fill up at UNICAL 76. UNICAL 76 is evil. It was a nice laugh, a chuckle at first, then I gradually worked myself up to a full guffaw. A real belly laugh. Nothing gets me going like a good belly laugh at people filling their tanks at UNICAL 76. Nothing. So that was my morning - it was a great morning. Then I went and ate a picnic lunch out at my favorite windswept lookout overlooking the ocean. The breeze was blowing real hard today. So hard that I spilled a little bit of Mountain Dew on my hood. I decided to go for a car wash. So I rolled down to my gas station of choice, RONACO. I came up to the entrance and look what I saw:
By far the worst day of the 1990s so far. By Far. RONACO just got on Corey Hart's shit list. I went over to UNICAL 76 and lathered my Fiero up real good. It was such sweet revenge to those bastards at RONACO. UNICAL 76 is the best gas station ever. I invented UNICAL 76. Today.
¶ 2:44 AM4 comments
You know how I'm always on the lookout for a maiden in distress right? Well, just today I came across a fair lady being attacked by doves. She'd locked the keys inside her Fiero and was in dire straits. Seing a golden opportunity to show a beautiful maiden what Corey Hart is all about, I yelled out at the top of my lungs: "Never Surrender!", swooped down and scooped her up on my Pegasus, the only form of transportation I ever use besides a Fiero. She was so happy to be in my arms. We had a wonderful picnic upon a mountaintop that consisted of the finest herb breads washed down by Mountain Dew. (By the way, I love herb breads.) Anyhow, the maiden was so pleased to be resuced from the attcking doves that she looked over at me and said, "Hey Corey, why don't you take me for another ride on your pegasus?"
So tonight, I'm just sitting there in my Fiero on the dance floor right, minding my biz, when The Hoff comes along and jacks me up on his tow truck and says, "Sorry Cor, you know we're Pontiac bros and all, but you gotta realize something chief: this is a dance floor. You're guilty of chillin' in a no parking zone dawg." I look over at The Hoff, drop my sunglasses and say, "Gimme a break here Hoff, you know I'm just maxin' and relaxin' in my Fiero, like I always do right about this time." (It was night. I always max and relax at night. I invented maxin' and relaxin' at night) The Hoff just looks at me, shakes his head and says, "Sorry guy, but you'll be riding with me tonight. Knight Riding with me."
So me and the Hoff spent the night riding around town, him-in-a-tow-truck-towing-me-in-my-Fiero style. The Hoff is crazy like that - he's always giving me violations and stuff. That Hoff - he so crazy.
I love night riding with the Hoff. I invented night riding with the Hoff.
¶ 10:38 PM1 comments
Tuesday, January 09, 1990
Welcome to the Future
So, by now, everybody knows that I invented both the Fiero and the future. But few people know that I was offered the role of Marty McFly in the movie 'Back to the Future'.
At first I was really excited, and figured I could fit in a starring role in a feature Hollywood film between my desinging Fieros, crash-testing Fieros, building Fieros, and buying every single Fiero. It seemed like the perfect fit. But then some young upstart director, Zemekis or something like that, told me he'd selected the perfect car for the movie: a DeLorean.
When I heard that I was so angry I almost crapped my pants. A DeLorean didn't really 'McFly' with Corey. It took a few minutes to regain my composure and sanity, but when I finally did, I looked this Zemekis guy straight in the face, lowered my sunglasses and said, "Buster, if you think Corey's gonna drive anything other than a Fiero you might as well go flux capacitate yourself."
And the rest is history.
They gave the role to someone else, Samantha Fox or something and I went on to unprecedetned success with both the Fiero and my career.
It was such typical Corey Hart style: I never surrender - especially for a DeLorean. Ugh, just the though of a Delorean makes my skin crawl. Almost as much as on of those XR4ti things. Disgusting.
Speaking of NOT-disgusting, now that it's the nineties, I'm totally into my latest Fiero creation: The Electric Fiero.
We all know that by the year 2000 every single person on Earth will be driving a Fiero. That's just common knowledge. But what you probably didn't know is that ol' Corey's got a few tricks up his sleeve. Solar panel tricks. Stay tuned. Stay tuned for the future.
Top Ten reasons why me and the Fiero are so awesome
1. We never surrender 2. We're awesome 3. We're radical 4. We're from the 80s 5. We are both short, fast, and elegant 6. Three words: Sunglasses at Night 7. Traction 8. AC Delco 9. The name Fiero is Italian for Corey 10. We're awesome
¶ 2:08 AM1 comments
If that doesn't get your heart racing, then nothing will.
Dude, when I saw that first Fiero roll off the assembly line, it was totally love at first sight. I mean , I knew what it was going to look like and I'd crash tested Fieros before, but this was different. This was love. This was the future. When I saw the sun hit the grey interior and a shimmer of light hit the AC Delco tape deck, I fell over flat on my ass. AC Delco is so radical I can't ever imagine anything more radical than AC Delco. I hear some guys talking about these new tape decks called Alpine, guys who say stuff like: "Corey, I should come over and pick you up dude. I got a new car. It's got an Alpine deck. We can drive around town and let the Alpine blast." These guys are so lame it's not even funnny. These guys are so weak. They obviously haven't heard of AC Delco. Corey Hart will never let the Alpine blast. Corey Hart will let the AC Delco blast.
I invented AC Delco.
When I got up off the floor and looked back at my masterpiece, it was such a gnarly experiecne for me. My jaw dropped so far down to the ground in amazement that my sunglasses fell on the floor. I always wear sunglasses. All the time.
I invented sunglasses.
I took Fiero #1 in my hands and never looked back. I'm telling ya, when I slipped my key into the ingition and heard my baby roar to life, my jaw dropped and my sunglasses hit fast-forward on the AC Delco tape deck so that the song sounded like the Chipmunks. The song was Sunglasses at Night by me, Corey Hart. I only listen to Corey Hart music in my Fiero. Corey Hart is the only music I ever listen to. Corey Hart is awesome.
I invented Corey Hart.
I was so totally in love with that first Fiero that I went right to all the other dealers in town and bought every Fiero they had, even though they didn't have them yet. I stayed up all night long and pre-ordered Fieros from every singlePontiac dealer in the world. I always stay up all night long.
Bring on the friggin' nineties The clock just struck midnight. It is now officially the nineties. I'm so amped right now. The 90s are going to be huge for Corey Hart. The nineties are going to be huge for the Fiero.
Oh, by the way, if you're just tuning in, my name is Corey Hart, the heart-throb singer. The 80s treated me pretty well, but I've got big plans for the nineties. REAL big plans. Man I can't friggin' tell you just how many plans I've got. Frig, the nineties are going to be so awesome.
Few people know this, but I invented the Fiero. I also single-handedly designed, built and bought every single Fiero ever. I own every single Fiero on the planet.
The only car I ever drive is the Pontiac Fiero. It's just so awesome. It's so awesome, it's choice and it's so choice it's radical. Because it's so radical it's awesome.
Oh yeah, I invented awesome. I invented awesome in 1983.
Man the 90s are going to rule. By the year 2000 every single person in the whole world wil drive a Fiero. I will build ever single on of those Fieros. I will release another 46 albums by the year 2000. The year 2000 is going to be so awesome. The future is going to be so rad.
Oh yeah, I invented the year 2000. I invented the future.
I'm telling ya that Corey Hart is so pumped right now. You better be ready for me world. You better be ready for me 1990s. The nineties are gonna make the eighties look like the seventies. Man, the seventies sucked. In the seventies Corey Hart was still in diapers. In the seventies Corey Hart was still sucking his thumb. But the eighties were more awesome than you can shake a stick at. More awesome than anything ever before. More awesome than all of history combined. The eighties were so awesome that if you look in the dictionary under awesome it says: 1980s, and if you look under 1980s it says awesome.
I invented the eighties.
But the nineties are going to be more friggin awesome than the eighties. yeah, the 90s are gonna rock. I can't wait for the nineties. You better be ready for Corey Hart world, cause when I get my hands on the nineties, I'm never gonna look back. I'm gonna never surrender.
Dear John,Why are you always tryin ta be more of a presence than Daryl? I mean, we have to see your WHOLE body, when we only get to see HALF of Daryl. Face it, you are second fiddle, man. Just like Dave Stewart and Andrew Ridgeley.
Dude. I don't know who you are - but let me give you a little advice: Hall AND Oates are rad. There is no such thing as a second fiddle in their 'pre-definition of the term' metrosexuality. Hall is #1 - Oates is #1. They are the source of endless inspiration to me and have my eternal devotion. I love Hall and Oates. They are the best - except when it comes to Fieros. They suck at Fieros. I invented Hall and Oates sucking at Fieros.
Nice job stealing pics from other websites
Yes, it was a nice job - if I can say so myself. Nice job you made in leaving anonymous comments on my site. If you're going to steal pictures or leave a comment you should at least own up to it. Corey Hart invented stealing pictures from other websites.
Whoa! I had a fiero once! Whoa! I got it stuck in the crick in Toronto, Ohio! Almost got swept away, too! Whoa!
Cricks are so rad. I invented Cricks. And Toronto. And Ohio.
Corey Hart is the object of Lou Reed's obsession. Also, Lou Reed like saxaphones.
You know who invented saxaphones? I did.
dude, choiceicool is so tubular. Hey Corey, since you are the shit and invented everything, I'm assuming you invented the mullet and shit too. Do you think mine is rocking?
I do think your mullet is rocking and I like it. However, Corey Hart hates all other mullets and believes that mullets are associated with Camaros. I hate Camaros. I did not invent the Camaro. The guy who invented the Camaro had a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeves. Corey Hart never rolls smokes up in his sleeves, but I love cigarettes. Cigarettes are the greatest thing on earth. Besides me. And the Fiero.
dude, turbo is rad. Sometimes I use the word radicool instead of radical. It's like putting the two raddest words together. Can I have a ride in your radicool car? Oh, and I still have the first issue of Tiger Beat when you were on the cover.
Tiger Beat is so choice. Tiger beat is more than radicool - it is choiceicool. I forgot to tell you about my new invention: It is a popiscle in the shape of a Fiero and it is called Choiceicool - because it is so choice and so cool. I invented choiceicool.
Lou Reed gets all hot and bothered when he sees Pants and Chang in the same comments section. Lou Reed realizes that Marriedman is no longer Marriedman Chang, but Lou Reed is still going to call him that.
Hey Lou Reed. So happy to see you again. I love when you write to me. You can come for a ride in my Fiero anytime. I know you hate Fieros, but you've never been in Corey Hart's Fiero. The traction will blow your mind. Yup, we're talking mind-blowing traction here. Most powerful drug of all time. Watch-out: you might get addicted. Addicted to traction.
I can't even tell you how fulfilling it is to see you, wearing your sunglasses at night. You invented love, I know it's true. - Marriedman Turbo Charged!
Hey Marriedman. So happy to hear from you. Turbo is the raddest thing of all time. Glad that you're glad that I invented love. Love is so sweet. Love is like a midnight moon shaded by a pair of sweet sunglasses. Love is rad as turbo. I invented turbo.
I get all hot and bothered when I see a Fiero. --Melliferous Pants
I get all hot and bothered when I read my awesome fan mail....at night. What's your sign? I'm a Gemini. Maybe we're twins. Twins of radicalness. I invented radical twins. I also invented hot. Does that bother you?
Lou Reed and Corey Hart should hang out and be awesome together. And by "be awesome" Lou Reed means "do drugs". --Lou Reed
Interesting proposal Lou Reed. Drugs are awesome. But not that awesome. Corey Hart didn't invent drugs - Lou Reed invented drugs. The only drug that's ever got Corey Hart high enough is burning rubber. Burning rubber from the rear tires of my Fiero. Corey gets so high on burning rubber he needs to slap 'er in reverse and go back just to suck up the fumes and think about how awesome burnt rubber fumes are. Burning rubber is awesome. I invented burning rubber.
Interesting. Are you a long-time fan of Corey's? Thanks for this. I'll post it. - Stephen A.
You better believe I'm a long time fan of Corey's. I 've known corey longer than anybody - seeing how I am Corey. I invented Corey Hart fans.
*hey corey! a fan here !!!* hi corey!----- of course my e-mail be AWESOME! i saw your blog. i'm not sure if its you who wrote that stuff. it sounds like someone wrote this just to make fun of you! so you really drive a fiero? that's cool in my world! i'm stuck in the 80's anyway..... i'm 29 years old and live in michigan. funny that i saw your blog. i was watching some old mtv awards show. you were presenting and award to cyndi lauper. is that an english accent i hear from you? and....hey! i enjoy your songs....(now) and (then) and corey! where are you livin' now? you had such a big window back then....i'm suprised that you didn't keep going! cyndi lauper did the same thing! i hope to meet you someday. i'm still a fan! and i will treat you like a normal person. i don't possess any star-struck-ness! (is that a word)??? lol i grew up watching mtv from day ONE and am baffled at what it has become! it isn't so good anymore! --BRIAN
Thanks Brian, I love me and cyndi lauper too. I invented cyndi lauper. We're both so awesome. Do you drive a Fiero?
¶ 1:00 AM3 comments
Hey, this is Corey Hart. Yeah, I know, I can't believe it either: I'm so awesome. The internet is awesome. The future is awesome. The Fiero is awesome. I invented awesome - in 1983 - right before I invented the Fiero.
Send fan mail to:
OFFICIAL Corey Hart Drives a Fiero fan club
PO Box 55067
Read mail from my fans here.
I love getting mail. I invented mail.
You can send me an email too - but only if it's awesome.